December 31, 2004




I finally figured it out...I don't WANT to be dark and deep and depressing anymore. It sucks like crazy. So, Im not going to be!

Who knew that counting tires could be so much fun?

And can we say, Millie has mood swings?



December 30, 2004

From the other side its paradise

I feel sick.

Not really sure why, probably just tension. I still think...well, nevermind.

I admire those humans out there labeled troublemakers...the ones who are smartasses and who pull pranks and do small time in jail. The ones who never really hurt anyone, unless its accidental. They are tough and fiery. I admire their fire. Or, I want their fire. Its something I don't posess, Im just angsty, not fiery. These people are usually redheads and have had hard lives but they are ok, even through all of that. They amaze me. They outshine me. I have a respect for those with no fear. Some people call it stupid, I call it superhuman. Funny, probably some of them would give anything to trade places with me.

My thoughts are running everywhere...

I am so confused. No peace, no peace, no matter what road I take. I am going to be crushed again, oh well. Not much to do about that...

Eventually Im gonna have to quit running in circles and find a way to move on with whatever it is Im supposed to do with my life...I just wonder how long its gonna take for my heart to figure this out. God, my head hurts.

I want to ask questions, questions I can't ask him so Ill ask them here.

Do you love her?
Is it like when you loved me?
Does she know what you want to call your daughter?
Does she know that when you're up on the parkway your eyes have flecks of gold in them?
Does she make you laugh?
Or, more importantly, does she make you cry?
Has she earned a nickname yet?
Does the pain go away when you're around her, or is it just forgotten?
Who do you think about when you're alone?
Do you remember me at all?
Do her kisses make all the chaos stop?
Does she know you're a virgin?
Would you find me ugly now, now that I've proven I can make a mistake?
Do you call her perfect?
Can you think of anything to say to her that you haven't said to me?
Does she know that your favorite season is fall?
Is she still jealous of me?
Does she have a reason to be?
If she searched your house, would she still find traces of me?
When you are apart from her, do you feel like you're dying?

But most of all, does she make you complete and happy?

If she does, Ill give up. Thats all I need to know to live.

There will be no tomorrow
Babylon is falling
And all the prayers
From halls of lead
Have no buisness with you

We lie
We steal
And somehow it's alright
Somehow it will always be alright
As long as you stay
As long as you stay
Close the door.

I am getting sick and tired of being sick and tired

Strangely Normal
There ain't nobody else she was born to be

Drown herself in a pool of liquid makeup (no thank you)
Wish she had a boyfriend, so she could breakup (not as much fun as its cracked up to be)
She'd take herself out to those ugly places (oh yes...)
Make her feel sick all those beautiful faces (fake fake fake)
She was normal, but at the same time... (sound like someone we know?)

I can't sleep, which sucks major monkey butts because the one thing in the world I like more than food is sleep. Agggyhhh!!! I was reduced to doing some really weird crossword puzzles in order to get bored enough so I could sleep. My chest hurts now, and I'm not sure why...that's, I got the bright idea to go walking on the older part of the greenway yesterday, I still couldn't deal with the memories on the newer part, especially considering I've set myself up for failure once again today. God, I hate knowing that it's not going to work out but doing this anyways. Anyway, back to the greenway. So, I had my cd player but no cd's (becaue if you're smart like me, you never bring your cd's with you) and my mum had a salad she wanted to eat, so I got her to let me go into K-mart to get a cd. Fortunately, I did have my money. So I go in and just let me warn you, K-mart has NO GOOD MUSIC!!!!!!!!! I ended up getting Incubus because they had no emo music and it was either that or Nirvana (no thanks). So I am officially lame. I almost got the hives, but for some reason I didn't, I figured mum might freak out less about Incubus. God, that woman, whenever I get a new cd she always has to listen to it and then reads every single friggin lyric and she gets this look on her face and Im like my God Im gonna catch it. You can imagine what it was like when I got the new MCR cd. Ive gotta figure out a way to get before braille too...the internet is a wonderful thing. So thats all in Millie news, probably within a few days Ill have been rejected again and will sink into depression AGAIN but hey, what else is new? I don't really expect better.

Its so strange, in person Im actually very happy. Or I seem that way at least.

December 29, 2004

I met them in the season of ruin

She said, he said
What a silly game
I said, you said
Games we always play
They said, we said
Make up all the rules
She said, he said
Break all the hearts you can

Somewhere out there is a girl who holds the world in her hands and doesn't know it. She gets to look into eyes every day that see straight through skin to the heart, she gets to wonder among galaxies of beauty when he opens up his soul, she gets to hear the laugh that always puzzled me, she gets to hear the voice that haunts my dreams, she holds the world in her hands, the world I gave up and would give my life to have back. All the beauty, all the fear, all the pain that I wanted is hers now. I envy her her happiness. I envy her her joy. I want what she now has, thanks to me.

The only thing worse than having your heart broken is having it broken and not having anyone to blame for it but you.

I heard off of a really strange movie that there are three kinds of love...
love (you get over in 2 months)
big love (over in 2 years)
great love (changes your life)
I guess this was great love. When great love is rejected, something inside of you dies, and you shut the door on it forever and look for the one you love second best. Unless you can correct it in time. I didn't, so now Im here. And I won't settle for second best, I won't deprive someone truly deserving of great love of their great love, I will not marry or date or anything unless someone somehow touches my heart in the way that he did, sets me on fire, makes me want to live again.
I walked forgotten paths today, so many memories found a way into my head I thought I would go crazy. I miss him. But I looked up, and the sun was still shining, and life still goes on, and even though I am the lowest person ever, my friends still love me. I have things to live for. But the greatest thing to live for I have deprived myself of.
So now, I say there are four kinds of love...
big love
great love
scorned love (always given, never returned)

I guess thats what fate has for me. I guess thats what I chose.

December 27, 2004


You know what I love?

I love people.

They are so interesting. I love them for their mistakes and their triumphs and the weird noises they make! I just love people. And they keep me entertained. Heres some people I love:
Poc (Im so sad about Thailand :( )
and franchesca, just to name a few. These people make my days so interesting, I love all of you!

Warp tour

I miss Pip.

And I finally got all the stuff that reminds me of the unmentionable packed up and it will be put away tomorrow, hopefully for good. I read somewhere that when you're in a relationship its like going up a cliff with a spotter who decides that he thinks this wont work anymore when you're 20 thousand feet up. It hurts alot when you drop, but what's more is you fall on him, because he hurts too. I guess wht it is is the emotional stuff. I mean, you open up your heart and soul to this person and they break up with you and its like they say that everything thats happened to you and all the stuff you've been through are just not enough and doesn't matter to them.

And it hurts like hell.

But you get over it. Or give second chances. Hopefully one of those two, some people don't do either and end up wallowing through misery for the rest of their days.

December 26, 2004

I come from the water


Pure and good and fresh and cool

Nothing tainted, nothing twisted, everything good

How great your love, how beautiful life, how much our love

echoes in the halls of the ages

We will live forever

My love and I and all his children

And no death no pain

Just beauty and honor and good

And all the knights of old

Ressurect to fight for good

How great this gift

How blind Ive been

I see now

Please forgive me father

I have made so many mistakes

But I love you

I know you're there

I know you


Free and beautiful

Is anything greater

Than the peace you offer?

Coming to me from a simple song

How great you love that spans the ages

Songs about Vampires

Wow, I had a good day.

New clothes (and extremely warm clothes) always make me feel roasty toasty, and then me and my best friend Mac will be making a new book! Three, actually, and they are gonna be sooooo awesome, you guys have gotta check them out!

I cant explain how good I feel right now, it just seems like all the bad stuff and stress and crap has just sorta gone away...and its so nice, I cant remember the last time I felt completely at ease with myself and everything else. I think Im starting to find out who I am, an its turning out to be a whole lot more fun than I thought it would be. You should try it sometime.

So I leave you with love and happiness and beauty and tears for tomorrow

December 25, 2004

on and on

Moving on moving on
haunting ghosts of memories
find a way to forget you
I will be alright now
someone's watching out for me
melancholy has its place
And fortunately its not here
Yes, I loved you desperately
But desperate is not what I am
So now I bid a sweet farewell
Ill sigh into the wind for you
Maybe in another life
Moving on moving on

December 24, 2004

Humanity is ashes

In a dream
All a dream
Nothing real or lasting
Made a promise
Promise me
Promise us
Lies lies lies
In sleep, in slumber
Regret, forget
Nothing real
Nothing sacred
For the tomb
Gone, gone far
And I breathe
I choke
Cobwebs and smoke
And lies lies again
A dream
A wish
I see you now
For what you were
I loved
For what you are
I do not know
I jump over the edge
A cliff, a cliff
Regret again
As fear sets in
I no longer show
This light,
This love,
Is all but gone
Has burned away
To ash
To dust
A living rust
Has settled into my soul
A burn,
A scar
Is all you are
And memories
Can always kill
So a dream
A dream
A life
A will
And you will always
Remember me
For what I was
And who I am
And what we could have been
But no more
No more
And ash
And dust
Is all you'll find in me
What do you find in her?
A rose
A thorn
A brightness
That was not mine
Or ever will be
Im dark, babe
Too dark for you
Im dirty, babe
No sun shines here
And nothing cleans this off
They cannot take your place
I hope you love
The thing you've chosen
I hope you get
What you deserve
A beauty, a beauty
Without compare
And fallen angels
Guard this place
And now I disappear.

Forever disappear

December 23, 2004

Strawberries and razor blades

Haha, no this post is not morbid.

Ive just been many girls I know go through guys like *BAM* and moving on for them is something that is completely easy and natural. Is it that I set my standards too high or what?

I thought that I would probably be all for dating whoever liked me, but that turns out not to be the case. I have to actually connect with someone, and they've gotta feel it too. I refuse to be in a one sided relationship. Does this make me strange?

I wonder I realtionships so far have been pretty messy, but while they were good they were worth all the pain I went through and all the pain I inflicted. Well, maybe not, you'll have to ask the receiver about the inflicted part.

I feel like a new person. My hair, which I was growing out long for he who shall not be named, is now almost completely gone and is shorter than it has ever been, and I absolutely love it. All the stuff that reminds me of Him is now boxed up and is going to take up residence in my best friends basement for awhile, until I can get up the nerve to burn it or send it back to Him. My thinking is mine again, I wear and do what I want to do, not what I thought He would have liked. Its really sad when I think about how much I tried to make him happy, just by small things, but in the end I just couldn't take it anymore and broke it off. I though for the longest time that that was a mistake, but now Im not so sure. My relationship with my parents is alot better now, and I have made this one, no matter how much I love them, has the right to take love away from me forever.

Perfection doesn't exist.

December 22, 2004

You dont know what you've got

I can't get over how much everything has changed.

In better ways than I could have imagined.

Love never dies completely.

It will always find you again.

I think this one will last.

Oh, how I love him.

This beautiful, beautiful boy.

He knows me through and through...

In good times and bad

And he loves them both

He knows Im not perfect

Just human.

And he thinks Im beautiful for it.

And for that, and many other reasons, he is beautiful.

I love him love him love him.

Just for being Him.

December 21, 2004

Vindicating myself...

I really hate swim practice.

I love swimming, but I hate being forced to do it. I am not an athletic person at all. The thing is that I genuinely do not love it, and I see it as a waste of time to do something you do not love. So keep your sports and pointless games America! GIVE ME THE THEATRE!!! Any part, big or small, tragedy, comedy, satire, whatever, I will take it and learn it. Something about becoming another person and living inside of their heads for awhile and getting to know yourself a little better in the process is a real rush for me. And drama isn't pointless. It helps other people maybe take a step back and look at their life, make some changes, appreciate life a little more, it just makes people feel. And thats what I want to do with my life, I want to make people feel again. It gives me purpose.

I really love life.

December 19, 2004

Sweet mother of a bull! Hes teeming!

So, after close and careful observation, my friends and I have concluded that a certain someone (whos name shall remain hidden, we'll call him morty) is a composition of everyone else. Or, namely, his humor is. Morty takes half of his humor from his best friend thats male, the other half of his humor from his other best friend who is female, and the other point 1 percent of it from books, movies and internet cartoons. Kinda sad and messed up, but hey, whatever shines your beetle.

In other news...I was at this funeral today and while we were there it snowed...not alot, just a little, and it was a really sad funeral, all it was was graveside rights, and I just thought "The Earth is crying, crying frozen tears for you." It was so sad and sweet and beautiful, it made me think of one thing and then another and eventually (actually like two seconds later) I was thinking about the guy I wrote the blue green gray thing for and thinking how much he would have liked that.

I didnt know it was possible to fall this fast for someone. Im crazy. Officially and wonderfully insane and unable to do anything about it.
I wonder if he's just as crazy.
I really really hope so.
But then, considering my past relationships, which he knows all about and everything, I wouldn't be too surprised if he didnt want me at all.
Ahhhhh!! I have got to get out of this mood that thinking about The Idiotic Malady always puts me in.

Im gonna have a bonfire. Get rid of all the memories and garbage and prove to everyone besides myself that that part of my life is over.

Long post. I need to quit, I might say something interesting, and THEN what would we do? Knowing my luck, the Earth would implode with a small popping sound and we'd all turn into slugs and land in a giant heap of salt that just happens to be floating through the galaxy...

Im not really that much of a depressed person, its just fun to put yourself down sometimes.

December 18, 2004

the world is blue and green and gray

The world is blue
And beautiful
Like your eyes
That see it all
The good and bad
The strong and weak
The world is blue

The world is green
And so surreal
And with you
I can finally breathe
In and out
What lovely peace
The world is green

The world is gray
Just like your soul
A little black
A little white
Strong and good
Right and true
The world is gray
And Green and Blue

I must have been high yesterday when I wrote that thing, which those of you who know me know who that is pointed towrds. But thats not true. This is what Im feeling, this is good, this is how the world should be, and I have found my polar opposite, and along with that, I found me.

Betcha can't guess who!

December 17, 2004

I want you...

My thoughts of you won't leave me alone.
I cant honestly grasp this concept of me without you.
I wonder if you've changed.
I hope you haven't.
I want to say Im sorry.
Words cant really express my regret.
But at the same time I know its too late.
Im too stained for you now.
I want so badly to close this space, bridge this gap between our hearts.
But I can't.
And I dont know how to do this without you.
They say Im pitiful.
But its not your pity I want.
Its you.
The way we were.
Its the brush of your lips.
The beauty of your soul
The way when I look at you, you're always looking back.
I cant believe I lost it all.
I miss you
More than words can say.
I love you.
I know now what that means.
I wish I could move on.
I wish I could just sleep forever
I wish I could forget
But wishing is beyond me now.
All I can do is hurt.

December 15, 2004

once upon a lightbulb

Isnt it amazing how much one person can brighten your day?

I <3 Pip.

December 13, 2004

quick blade to hope

Well, on top of my already impossibly complicated life, I have topped it off with crunching my face into the pool floor. Now I have a broken nose, a broken mind, a broken faith, and a broken, frozen heart. Anybody want to break something else for me?

And then we get to the really good part. Im not complicated enough. Or simple enough. My whole persona is just not fucking adequate. For anyone.

Not enough to hold on to anyone, or sway anyone, or even hold onto the things I love.

So, yep, this is officially a low point.

Why is it that everyone besides Leah and Abby and Pippin are so friggin surprised when they find out that things are wrong? Oh, I know, it might just be because no one else really gives a fuck.

I am such a happy person.

I want to go back to B&N and just get really friggin lost in that store, and never come out of it. Never, ever, ever come out of that awesome haven of coffee and books and worlds other than mine. Because in those worlds, I am non-existent. No problems with Tim, no awful sweet haunting memories that I have to shut out because they hurt so bad. No people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they wouldn't know if everyone else's world ended. Not anything of Millie.

Everyone is better off that way.

December 12, 2004

Long live the dead

More and more and more
Until you cannot stand
to think
or look
or feel
or pick up and go on
but somehow you do
just to fall again,
to die and rip and cry again
and nothing goes right
nothing breaks through
or makes sense
justice is gone
peace withdrawn
as I sink down
into the hearse
I chose long ago...


December 08, 2004

Some things never change

Death visited this house again today.

It stings just as bad the third time around.

December 07, 2004

And nothing goes well

Im learning to breathe
Im learning to crawl...
But then I get dropped
As hopeless I fall
Nothing catching, no end in sight
Except the ground
My very last flight

December 04, 2004

And the verdict is...

She saw him. Saw him turn, saw the look of complete and utter shock in his eyes, followed by pain, fear, panic...and something else...could it be...hope? No, she couldn't do this, couldn't deal with it anymore. She had to go through with it. She reached out, took his arm, felt him flinch. Whispered her plan to him. Prayed that he would go along with it. He nodded, then whispered "but just once."

On the appointed day, he picked her up and they drove into the mountains, into a secluded place with a flat sun-warmed rock and a stream that babble quietly to itself. They lay there on the rock, just lay there, with her head pillowed on his chest, listening to him living and breathing and to his heartbeat. And the girl cried. Softly, very softly, she cried a thousand tears as she slowly drifted off to sleep. When she awoke, she was alone. And she walked off into the mountains, into the untamed and unforgiving wild, never to be seen again.

The girl had loved the boy, had loved him more than life, but she lost him and nothing could make it right again. So she ended her life, but she had to go to sleep with him there, just once, just once and she could die without fear or pain or remorse. So she did.

So will I.

December 03, 2004

a drop of blood turns water red

We know of an ancient radiation
That haunts its neighbor constellations
A faintly glimmering radio station
While Frank Sinatra sings stormy weather
The flies and spiders get along together
The cobwebs fall on a skipping record

This most awesome song I found is sooo great, so can anyone tell me who sings it?

Danke, darlings.

December 01, 2004

Holy macarel

Ive been so sad today.

I can't get Tim out of my mind. Its getting to where I can't sleep at night, and I don't know what I need to do.

Ive already contacted him, and its very clear that he pretty much hates me now and doesnt want anything to do with the girl he loved once. I dont know if shes still here or not, really. I think Cameron killed her. And I miss her. And Tim. I've never loved anyone in my life as much as I loved him, and now hes gone. Gone for good, I think. And I am going to be haunted for awhile.

Maybe forever.

And it seems I should do something, but I think hes happy so I dont want to spoil that. When it all comes down to it, maybe Im supposed to be alone. While I was with him I knew I that I wasn't good enough for someone that amazing and perfect and beautiful, but I deceived myself, thinking that I might be able to hold onto him. Then I was the one who ended it. Me.

I have never hated myself more.

And I dont think I ever felt so betrayed as when he started dating Chelsea after me. I guess that might have been going on the whole time, but I dont know...I thought he wasnt that kind of person, but then he did curse me and I never thought he'd do that either.

Im chasing rainbows and a boy who doesn't exist anymore. Or, at least, he can't exist for me.

The angels just cut out her tongue
Call her Black Maria
Would I lie to you?
Well here's your answer, babe.
Mass convulsions
Save the choir
By the grace of God.
Gun it while Im holding on.
Dont stop, if I fall
And dont look back
Dont stop
Bury me
And fade to black.