January 31, 2005

A fungus!

Today's cool thing is:

If you're going up the creek in a rowboat and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?

13, because there's no bones in ice cream.

And I have a two hour delay and am therefore really really bored. Ugh, I need some soda...and a kabanna...and a Leah...and a BEER SHREDDER!!! hehehe.

January 29, 2005

Summer, I'm in love!

Today is sooo apathetic.

I am bored and aching for my baby, and he's right here, out of my reach by a heartbeat and two pairs of wandering eyes. I am afraid of talking, but I need to talk, and I must talk or I will suffocate and lose him again.

I stepped on a nail and had to get a tetanus shot. It hurt, but not really, and I drowned, but not fully, and I'm talking nonsense so I'm gonna go take a long bath and beat myself up for not being able to talk to him.

Goodnight Vegas.

January 27, 2005

my story...

I'm floating

Detached form the floor, I glide gently over the smooth tile, made warm by the hundreds of bodies filled with turmoil and emotions, the miniature tornadoes that walk the halls every day. It is here that I streak through the air, just a hairsbreadth away from touching the ground, just a second away from annihilation. For, you see, if a demon touches the Earth, their vital matter of pure fire attracts every droplet of water, every bead of sweat, every liquid quencher within 100 miles instantly suctions to our fire, putting it out. But even in death we wreak havoc. Where do you think dry spells come from?

I've ducked in here to hide. Angels, those beasts of a lighter power, don't normally risk open attack in a school. Too many innocents around, too many souls to lose over one demon. If they knew who I was, they would risk it. IF they knew.

Gosh Dang it all to Heck!!!

Oh yucky.

I finally got enough nerve to put out Tim's stuff last night, and then I got a letter from him today and as I read it I just started to feel sick. I think he still likes Chelsea. Alot. He wrote a song for her and all this junk, and good God...I don't know if I can take it. In fact, I know that I can't. I will not be pulled aorund by him again. Ohhhh, this sucks. And I feel like an idiot. A really big one.

My Pip broke his leg!! Ooooh, now I hurt for him! That just sucks...among alot of other things...God how fast moods change. This really blows. Like cheese...hehe...

Proof that Im gonna be ok.



January 26, 2005

AS for luchesi...he is an ignoramus!

I am a happy, dirty little hippie!

Or emo...or whatever you prefer.

get this, I have to "ween" myself off of my mouthpiece, I hate that word, ween, come on, that is totally stupid laugh material. Two tests (which Im pretty sure I bombed) and thirty dollars spent, and I am on top of the world! This happy thing just won't quit! At all! Hahaha!!

God, I love the effect he has on me. I love the effect the world has on me when Im dating him. Oh, hell, I just love him! And I am so happy, the world cannot contain me...

I am a meteor of love!!

Ok, that was a little weird...

Well, I am very much the happy love child today. Cant keep the smile offa my face!

January 24, 2005

in this, the hour of our demise...

There is such a thing as too informed.

Lets be an ignorant nation again!!!

Seriously. We know waaay too much, and if we want to know something then its right at our fingertips. I was just realizing this today, when we started arguing about cloning in English. One girl got shot down when she said "people shouldn't create life, because only God should be able to do that" and our teacher replied "what about artificial insemanation?" It all seems weird to me. I mean, yes, I do know that cloning and DNA science has caused mass advances in medicine and the saving of lives, but can we really call that an advance? The world is over populated, and we keep weakening the gene pool with all this medicine we inhale like candy, and we know so much that we think we can play God. People should not decide who lives and who dies, but we do it every day...if someone's emergency in the hospital is more urgent than yours, you might die because they were chosen for immediate care instead of you. We abort unborn babies, not even giving them a chance to see the light of day. If you're rich, you get the medicine, the technology, the answers, the knowledge, while those less fortunate are left to die. Trust me, I have benifitted from medicine before, I am a human, but speaking in bigger picture terms, if we care at all about saving our world we will choose not to use the medicines and cloning and technology that in the end will be our destroyer.

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger.
And when we find protection, it is only temporary, nature will just create a bigger better disease.

Maybe its good we dont have a cure for cancer.

Not saying that I am against human life, I most certainly am not, but this stuff...its insanity.

Well, thats my lecture for today class, I have a major headache and am going to go take a hot bath to see if it goes away. No advil for this renegade.

Oh, and Leah, you'll be proud of me...I WROTE MORE HAPPY POETRY!! And even though sometimes its scary and sometimes I wonder, I am sure of one thing...I love him. I never stopped loving him, and I don't think I ever will. And its the best thing ever.

January 23, 2005

and nothing really

And this may sound pathetic but I think that we can make it
Well go on and on and on and on
Love songs suck and fairy tales arent true
And happy ending Hollywood is not for me and you
So add it up and break it down
Its not that hard to figure out
Your crazy and Im crazy about you

Yeah, baby you're crazy and I am absolutely crazy about you!

January 22, 2005

life is an understatement

I really don't like gospel music with the word pow'r included in the song. I really don't like gospel period.

Its just gross.

Born of a banshee, raised of a saint...thats one screwey kid

One more dayof the torture cell, then I will be ON THE ROADS!!!! WATCH OUT AMERICA!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Haha, guess who is very happy and very tired and extremely amused at this point? I was at Leahs last night and I had the best time, everything was funny!
You're a mauhn (man)!!
Oh no! I dutch ovened!
Your nose is very...pinchable. It thins out at the end.
Millie, where did you put my shoes? Millie...no, Millie...gahhh!!! Why is it hanging form the cabinet? Oh no...
Oh, crap, need to eat a sheep.
So, guess whos the village retard? Oh yeah, well, you're the village pig-slapper! And what am I? You're the drunk clergy...and you wear funny hats.
Yep, that baby is definitely eating some newspaper...
MOTIF!!!!
Eeeeeeeeearp?

We took a walk at eleven last night, and we were very loud and cold and happy, and we talked about how romantic the sky looked when it was a swollen-purply-grey, and how cool everything has turned out to be, and it was just amazing. I put my arms around my friends and looked up and thought about how...well...miraculous it is that everything has worked out for good in the end, and how much I love Tim, and how he was probably looking a the same sky right then. A weird thing I do, whenever I see the sky I always think that he might be looking at it too. I am a strange crazy little girl.

January 19, 2005

.............

Not alot to say
Not alot to do
Im not thinking anymore
So tell me about you

January 18, 2005

Well, the world is still a blomp...

So, what do you say when nothing's left to bear?

I am scared, and I am in love, and I am stuck at a crossroads between two futures.

In this one, I am back with the boy I have loved for over a year, the boy I have fought for (and died for a little), the boy who I know understands my soul in the greatest way possible, the boy I hurt worse than I've ever hurt anyone, the boy who if my future would be with, I would be blissfully in pain and I would struggle and I would end up dying a little more, but in exchange I would live so far beyond my greatest expectations.

In this one, I am with my best friend, who has seen me through all my trouble and doubt and still loves me despite all this. This boy cheers me whenever I talk to him, can always make me smile, and seems to make my fears disappear. With this boy, I don't think I would ever die at his hands, just live in complete happiness.

But you see, I need pain. It is a vital part of me and how I work. I want someone with mistakes, someone who breaks and who fights and who cries and goes ballistic. But I also need someone who balances me and can bring me out of all the darkness I sometimes become. I need them both, I want them both, but I will not play that game. I am not that shallow and mean.

It's all in your hands, emo.

On a better note, I had an amazing birthday! It was crazy and weird and Im gonna name my kid Britain someday. Yeah.

Swing a little closer, on the devil's dance floor!!

I say no to the muskrat way!

January 17, 2005

Havana gang brawl

Things that have made me laugh histerically today:

me: Do you think he's lying?
Bry: I think he has mental problems.

me:Yeah, my mum cursed the other day...
Leah: My daddy only curses when one thing happens, when he stubs his toe, and then its always "Ohoho, SHIT!"

me: you know, you're actually very pretty for a foggy thing on a window pane.

blink: "...and she hated that she loved it..."
me: Bwahahahaha!!! She's an idiot!

*Nathan gets up off the couch to go bother Phillip for a few minutes, stupidly vacating the only seat left in front of the tele, so I jump into his seat before he turns around*
Nathan: *turns around* ANUS!

I love to laugh. And I hate the way I laugh. Because when I laugh, I sound kinda like a horse having a conniption. AND ITS OK!!! I have been having such weird revelations today, and I wish that I knew what the heck is going on. Also blew fifty three bucks on some jewelry and guy shirts. God I love being me.

What's with the infinite water?

Ok, discoveries for today:
  • When I bring my finger up really close to my eye, it turns red
  • Muslin is see-through
  • Temptation is the worst thing in the world
  • I can hold my tounge under cold water for an infinite amount of time
  • it feels really good to walk around naked, and since not that many people read this, Im gonna go ahead and say that Im gonna be a nudist for some amount of time. They don't care if you're ugly!
  • nothing is ever as simple as it looks. like age. and cheese. and God.

Thats about it.

January 16, 2005

The world is a vampire...

Oh, Pip, my heart aches for you.

Betrayal is never ever right.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, hun.

January 15, 2005

Lupis, lupis...there is no effin lupis!

Good night, I am so sick...oh yuck. Don't really wanna go anywhere, don't really wanna see anything, except one person, and thats impossible. We're "talking romantically" hahaha, doesn't that just make you wanna laugh? Not that its funny...its what I've been wanting for months, but it just sounds weird when you put it on paper...or computer...yeah.

God, I've missed him so much. I haven't been myself without my emo boy. And now that he's back and I don't know if we're actually dating...its amazing but Im kinda scared. He is in a very good position to hurt me as of now...even though I don't think he will. So strange...its almost like nothing happened, because my feelings haven't changed at all. I still love him with all I have, he is still the best guy I have ever met, he still holds the record for making me laugh, and his kisses are still the only ones that shook me to my core and made all the chaos stop. I just hope his feelings haven't changed.

Love...love love love love love...ahahahahaha!!!

January 12, 2005

fracasay

I have to get a CT tomorrow.

I really really don't want to.

I hate needles, worse than anything else. Irrational fear.

Apparently, Im spectacular. Yea!

So the world is a strange little hole
And we all fall into the bowl
And everyone takes what is mine
While we all drain down our wine
And if anything needs to change
Its probably the games
The name of human doll
The name that makes you fall

January 11, 2005

Somewhere in between, I threw myself away

A little white house
It's everything we dreamed about
I wanted you to know
I'm hanging up my e-go...
We shouldn't have to fight
Or worry about the bills tonight
I wanted you to know
I wanna be your shadow
Mystery's gone
So bring back the sun
Oh bury this hate
Build it with love
The mystery's gone
So bring back the sun
Oh bury this hate
Build it with love, ho oh
Living by the hour
Grass wasn't greener I found
I Wanted you to know
Well I dug you up a rainbow
Mystery's gone
So bring back the sun
Oh bury this hate
Build it with love
The mystery's gone
So bring back the sun
Oh bury this hate
Build it with love
(Guitar Solo)
And I know
I know I failed you
And I hope
I hope we get through
Sunny days again
And I know
I know I failed you
And I hope
I hope we get through
Sunny days again
Mystery's gone
So bring back the sun
Bury this hate
Build it with love
The mystery's gone
So bring back the sun
Oh bury this hate
And build it with love
The mystery is gone
The mystery is gone
The mystery's gone
The mystery is gone mmm hmmm
The mystery's gone
Bring back the sun
Bury this hate
Build it with love
Little white house
-Our Lady Peace

What I wanted to say two days ago...what I don't know if I should say now.

Flyaway blue

Well well well, what have we here, gentlemen? A case of...scaring RODENTS?!!?!?

This calls for immediate action.

Eveyone act like its the end of the world and call a pizza delivery service!

I had a very good day.

January 10, 2005

Alibical Dusk

Here we go again.

Lord save us from our sin

And all we ever do

I point the finger and sue

So why can't we be friends?

Because envy never ends

Let the past fade away

Im afraid you're here to stay

Let it go

Let it go

Just let the past go.

January 08, 2005

This bruise of a sky is killing my tears

I burnt my tounge.

For most people, this is not big news. But considering it hurt alot more than burned tounges usually do and also considering I haven't done this in more than a year, it is big news to me. And...thats about it. Whoa. Big crash from the direction of the dryer...oh crap...


Whew, its ok. So, I got my first taste of a straight-up iced latte today, it was gross until I got some sweet-n-low and half and half. Then it was decently drinkable.

Can you tell I have no news?

Well, the coolest thing that happened to day was me and two of my best friends went to the Greenway (the half that isn't still closed, God, how long does it take to repair fences?) and we took alot of pictures (in trees, in a gazebo, on a shaking bridge, in some kinda big red echoey things) and talked about everything except the one thing that is constantly on my mind.

Gotta get away...


Take a drink
A shot straight down
That makes you bottom out

You're wrapped in a cocoon
With fuzz and no pain
Funny how much a drop does

You find something new
To laugh about and think about
And then you cry

Protected inside of your skin
You never want to leave
Never want to feel the pain

So you drink up
Take your medicine
Shoot that water

Shoot that holy fucking water

lofty visions in f minor

Sometimes you just think everything is slipping.

Its probably a safe guess that Tim and Chelsea are back together by now, I mean, aren't they supposed to be in love? Leaves me very sad and upset, but hey, since when does that really make a difference?

It seems when I'm rejected by one person I love I push everyone else away. I've stopped telling Pippin everything, and I miss him so much but I can't seem to bring myself to explain it all. I keeep coming back to Tim, and keep getting hurt by him more and more, and its a pain that doesn't fade except when Im around this one other guy, but hes not interested in more than a friendship and hell, I dont even know if Im ready for that. I dont think I am. I just want my life back, all my peace and hope and joy, but someone with love that dies quickly stole that away and I gave him the right to.

Will the sun please shine again?

January 07, 2005

Weaving spells and murder moons

Oh fate
Oh fate
How cruel and cold
Too late
Too late
Turn young men old
So far
So far
We all turn blue
You mar
You mar
My blood burns true
A knife
A knife
Straight to my soul
Some life
Some life
Is not worth the toil
I hope
I hope
But all in vain
A rope
A rope
I swing again

I have got to quit writing bad poetry. And being a bad person. And everything else I do wrong.

January 06, 2005

The lady of shalott

I am half sick of shadows, said
The lady of shalott

God, I know what thats like. My heart is burning away inside of me right now, I feel a shell. I don't want anyone anyone anyone to care to care to care anymore. I wish I couldn't feel. But, lucky me, I feel too much. Barf. I need to talk to someone who knows whats going on, and if I have a reason to be sick...or if I have a reason to live again and enjoy it.

Speaking of which, me and my mom got into yet another heated discussion about gays. Why can't she just leave it alone? I'm not gay, that should be enough for her, but no...no no no.


I breathe
I choke
Cobwebs and smoke
A veil
A void
Between us now
I hope
I claw
I lost it all
I pray
I scream
You sew a seam
Into your heart
Into your soul
You try so hard to cover a hole
And nothing right
And nothing good
Ill still try hard to fit your mood
And all my love
And all this space...

All that's left me is this place.

January 05, 2005

The road I walk is lonely...

My heart seems to make a habit of bottoming out on me today.

I wish I hadn't listened to anyone but my own heart. I am stupid. So, so stupid. In a talk with two of my friends about relationships today, I have realized something. I am still in love with Tim. And even if he only wants me for a little while as a rebound, I'll take that. And I know it goes against everything I've been telling you guys lately, but then...sometimes you just have to take a flying leap. So Im going to, because I am not gonna know peace otherwise.

Sometimes you just know.

I stayed up till three last night writing a scratch poem and putting it on my wall. Life sure can take it out of ya. I miss him.

January 04, 2005

Don't walk away!

The sun shines so beautiful today
On the eyes of one loved
Redeemed
And joyful.

I didn't mean to call him an ass. Hes not, he just says things when he's hurt, like I do. That doesn't mean that I love him though. Well, thats cleared up.

I am so happy right now.

January 03, 2005

I thought the candy girl went out of buisness...

How do I always end up dating the jack monkeys?

"Me and my girlfriend broke up. I guess that will make Millie ectastic, if she even cares anymore." God, what an ass. I DO NOT TAKE PLEASURE IN OTHER'S PAIN, EVEN SOMEONE SUCH AS YOURSELF!!!!

Good night, I mean, I hurt the guy really bad when I broke it off, but he didn't understand me and we couldn't see each other and all the things that were important to me didn't seem to matter to him. And then he turned around in the middle of another relationship and started pulling my chain again...and again...and AGAIN. I do not take kindly to being played. At least I loved him enough to make a choice. He couldn't seem to do that with either of us. God, he just ticks me off. Now, he does. He isn't the guy I fell in love with. That guy is gone, probably for good.

Let it fade
Let it fade
I bury your heart
With a spoon and a spade
Nothing can stop me
You're gone for good
Let it fade
Let it fade
Now I am shedding
Dark tears in the shade
But don't worry, they'll stop
Your door's almost shut
Let it fade
Let it fade
You always think
That you've got it all made
Well now that you're falling
Don't grasp at me
Now it fades
Ever fades
And Im gone
Gone for good
Don't ever tell me
The mistake I made was wrong
For now I say goodbye
Farewell to you,
Goodnight.

Let me know if you ever come back.

January 02, 2005

Quit worrying about the gun and stop the car fool!

I've started finding myself today.

I don't think I've ever been so peaceful, and yet so harried at the same time. More Biblical discussions today in Sunday school, fun fun fun. I always have the different opinion on these things. Me and my best friend usually end up arguing about it. I've always got the weird view. Speaking of which, awesome shopping trip going on tomorrow!!! Im so excited, gonna look for some Before Braille and Chamberlain and Zutons and Thirteen Senses. Dontcha just love underground bands?!!? I DO!!! And dontcha just hate Arnold Schwarzenneger? I can't even spell it...ewwwwww...him and Jamie Curtis, my God the world is not yet ready.

Finished another skirt today, Its solid black except for this little inscription at the top that says "You get what everyone else gets, you get a lifetime" in bright white and a zigzag thing on the bottom (Leah's choice). It looks pretty good, but I still love my green tier skirt with the doorknob sewn into it. Oh, and the buttons, gotta love the buttons.

Oh man...
Sirens. Not good, and really not good when they're right down the road...I hope nobody's hurt...

I watched Cold Case tonight, it was a triple murder thing, and it was like...like I was watching murder for the first time, when I saw it happen I just felt like I was going to puke and cold chills went through me and I got so scared...nothing has affected me like that for awhile, I hope it means Im regaining my innocence. Talk about something you don't know the value of till its gone...man.

Climb down the bank
And up the other side
What waits for us here, love?
Well nobody knows
And nobody will
But us
And only
You bring the bottles
Ill bring the rocks
Lets wake up the town
The Nation
The planet
With our screams
And our plans
And we'll shake up the globe
Spin it right off its axis
And everyone will know
It was you
It was me
It was love
It was right
And our dreams will explode
And light up the sky
Fireworks in July
And we'll sit on the bank
That we climbed up before
And we'll toast all the stars
Before going to sleep
And the last thing we'll see
Are fireworks again
But they aren't in the sky
And only you and I
Will know where they are
Only us





Isn't life rich? I think so too.

January 01, 2005

Stupid kids having senseless fun= college!

Just a thing
(one of those fucking things)
That breaks you up
creates your dreams

Just the thing
(the only fucking thing)
that makes you think
you're going to scream

He broke off your wings
(still one of those things?)
It may seem alright
But sugar let me tell you

Im one of those things
Steals away your dreams
I will break your wings
and they won't grow back, no
they'll never come back

Its a fling
(another fucking fling)
and you know what they say
Its my sins you'll be paying

He gave you a ring
(what a deadly thing)
What a mistake
Your place that I'll take

His drugs made me sing
(Bet you're wishing I'd scream)
And the poison and pills
Are all in the will

Scream scream
Bloody murder
Shoot shoot
the cyanide
Cut cut
surgeon's creature
well let me tell you sugar

Since you've let this thing
smother your dream
IT cut off your wings
And they're mine now
Sorry, they're mine.

Creepy, huh? I really like it. But then I have always been a sucker for really creepy things. I am so happy right now. Well, maybe not so much happy as content...I just spent six hours with some of my favorite people and ran around and got really tired and it was a glorious day today and Im just so peaceful about being alive. Oh, and I ate play-doh. Its an acquired taste. Lol.
Ending this for today...because the bathtub calls






Life is but a...

I WROTE MORE POETRY!!!

More happy poetry! And I wanted to get out of bed this morning ust because it was a beautiful day!! God, I feel so good. And Im heading over to Shellie's right now, so more fun for futons!

The world is, like, the best thing ever!

Who killed the zutons? YOU killed the zutons? Come on now, riki, why'd ya wanna do a thing like that? They were cool little green men.