May 30, 2005

I've got a good feeling about this

I am gonna be working at South Mountain!!

This is such an answer to prayer, I felt like God wanted me there earlier but the places were all filled...until today when I got word that there is enough space left for three girls and one guy! I am so happy!! And my dad shot it down at first but then he's like "If you feel like this is something God wants you to do then I won't stand in the way." The job isn't final yet, but I am confident that God would not put this desire in me unless he is going to carry me through :)

I can't think of a better way to spend my summer :)

May 29, 2005


My newest painting Posted by Hello

Check it owwwwwwt, mon!!!

Hey hey hey it's...

um...

yeah, it's me.

Again.

As usual.

I made some new clothes!

And I finished my painting!

Wanna see?

It's below, hehehe...

Yeah.

It's me.

May 28, 2005

Invite to Paris for a week of regrets

The wedding bells sound
And we pass the test
An invite to Paris
For a week of regrets

The streets have gone hazy
The people fall through
And when it's all over
There's me and there's you

I'm fighting with flowers,
You're killing the birds
The last thing beautiful
Was the song that we heard

It said keep your minds open
While keeping hearts closed
Where nobody knows you...
I think I've been dosed.

May 25, 2005

The Basement Life

"Your ass is grass!"

What does that even MEAN!?!?

Someone trashed a truck today, they tqaped a dead raccoon to the front, and live lobsters are on display at your local grocery store.

Totally and Completely inhumane.

I had a sucky day :( And I want to talk to Tim.

May 23, 2005

Look for your own paradise

Impossible is nothing.

Show me your impossibles, show me your hopeless, your lost, your downtrodden and forgotten dreams. Show me the way you've failed, and I will show you a way to love, to persevere, to survive, to grow stronger, to live with twice the vibrancy you did before. Show me your mistakes, and I'll show you your triumphs. Show me the ugly, and I'll show you the beautiful.

Show me your impossibles...

I'll show you my God.

May 22, 2005

We're building you a home.

I guess you used to have me pegged
Right under your middle finger
And I found myself
Enjoying that
And I'm not too big to admit
That you still send something through me
But it's poison (running through my mind)
It's poison (ruining this utopia)
I run backwards
When things go wrong
Out of safe arms
And into the night
And something about this seems sick to me
Something just isn't right

I have to say that distance kills
But I refuse to die
I know you think you've got me now
But I will not comply

With all the thoughts that still go on
And somehow I know the truth
It's shining through your hazy smile
You want a repeat performance
Well let me clear this up
I am no longer your doll
I do not obey you
I do not love you
And I never did.
And it sounds so harsh (this grating confession)
But if it fits...(I'm not an obsession)
I'm screaming it now for all to hear
I'M NOT GOING TO CRASH AND BURN AGAIN!

I have to say that distance kills
But I refuse to die
You provide some charming thrills
But I will not comply

I have found the one
That all my prayers have been for
How can you compete with that?
The truth is you can't
And something inside me knows
His firstborn will be mine
Like something inside you knows
Your lips weren't meant for mine.
So leave the door open on your way out
And his silhouette will fill it
Eternity will be beautiful
Without you there to share it.
Have I made myself clear?

Because I'm admitting...

I have to say this
Distance kills
But we refuse to die
I have to say it
God has willed
That we live side by side.

May 20, 2005

My old man always said that hell would have no flame...just a front row seat to watch your true love pack their bags and drive away.

My nose itches.

So does my eye.

I don't want Anna to leave...SHE CAN'T LEAVE!!**!*!!! Who will I have to stand around and be goofy with me at townie concerts? WHO, I SAY, WHO!?!?!?!?!? this friggin sucks.

On a lighter note, Me and Leah are going to see Kicking and Screaming tomorrow, then out for pizza. It will be fun to reconnect a bit, I've been in a funk lately and not really all there so yeah. We are equal haters of each others friends. I thought that was kinda funny :)

When you get to high school, skip the assemblies. Just don't come in until eleven and when you do don't check in at the desk, you'll get ISS. Just come in late, go to your lass, and enjoy the fact that you just successfully skipped one of the biggest wastes of your time ever. Gah, awards are troublesome.

My nose itches.

So does my ear.

May 19, 2005

Taking control

Cheese is the great...

FROMAGE!!!!

Corrupting the youth of America, one white dance at a time.

Hehehehee...

Corrupting.

Heh.

I am running on 3 hours of sleep...3 FRICKEN HOURS MAN!!!!! GAH!!!!
Star Wars was gay. Ugh. Go see triple x (haha, joke, I made a funny :p)

NAUOOOOOOOOO!!!

May 17, 2005

Freakazoid

So, do you think I'm beautiful?

I am a liar, a thief, I've probably stolen from you, a traitor, a gossip, an uncaring and heartless idiot. I ignore those who love me, chase after thoe who are undesireable, present two faces to lots of people, lash out in anger, in pain, in fear. And I fear much.

Do you think I'm beautiful?

I am loyal to my friends, I hurt when they hurt, I am faithful to the one I love, I honor my parents, I worship my God with all I have, I create things others envy, I give praise where it is due, I try to stay happy.

And do you think I'm beautiful?

The truth is, I don't care.

I don't care at all.

May 16, 2005

The Thievery- one size fits all

Lidsay the kid and I are starting a business!!!

Yes!!!!

Something to do this summer!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE MONEY!!!! EVEN MORE WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

So, catalogs and clothes and if you guys have seen some kinda clothing that you just can't get enough of, let me know cuz chances are you aren't the only one.

Ok, next section is gonna be x rated so young ones, cover your ears...eyes...whatever...

Where the fuck is my fucking letter?

Alrighty, next order of business...

My feet are blistered and I need to wash some clothings.

Heh...clothings.

May 14, 2005

How goes it? It goes.

Ever wonder why it's spelled g-o-e-s instead of g-o-s? Nah, me neither.

I had the best weekend ever...

I'm going to WARP TOUR BABY!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And Erika's was great (I hocked a baloobel on your pillow, I hope you don't mind.) so was J's (I don't like faggots who smoke crayons...)

I love my life so very very much!!

And I love my Tim even more :)

May 12, 2005

Taking stock of my heart

Things I know about my heart:

1) God is first, or at least he is meant to be first and when he slides into second things go terribly awry.

2) It hurts alot. When I mess up, or someone hurts me, or I see people suffering, which is why I rarely have a totally perfect day-in other words, it is very very emotional

3) It tells me when something is wrong, then drives me crazy until I make it right.

4) It loves. Alot. And it loves to love. But it gets side-tracked sometimes by my selfish ambition.

5) If something is wrong with one of my friends, my heart will hurt for them until things get better. Unfortuantely, I am not the best at showing this.

6) It is not complete without Tim.

These are the things I go back to when the world brings me to my knees
And my mind is flipped around by the tricks of other's tongues
I find that nothing matters except that I know this
I know my own heart and it's workings

May 11, 2005

Everyone is made up of pieces of everyone else...it just depends on how big the pieces are.

Really.

I mean, everyone in this world is obsessed with something. For some, it's fitting in. For others, it's "being an individual" (which for me personally is the most annoying thing I've ever heard. I could go for hours on how stupid it is to work so friggin hard at being an individual, but I won't. I'll just leave it at this: putting leaves in your hair does not make you an individual, all it makes you is a wanna-be tree.) It's completely mindless.

If people worked half as hard at making others happy instead of concentrating on themselves and how they can separate themselves from everyone else in some way, then the world would be so much happier.

And we need to realize that just because we say something, it does not mean that everyone now has to agree. We are not omnipotent, we are not even important, and the only way that your life is gonna mean anything is if you spend it serving others. Otherwise, you're gonna be the only one at your funeral.

About stereotypes...yeah. Here's a quote from Omar Rodriguez-lopez of The Mars Volta "it reminds me of when I first heard the label "emo", which was the most ridiculous label ever. How can anything you put your heart and soul into not be emotional?" yet another thing to separate us.

I found myself going through my day today making a concious effort to not talk about myself, for one reason...I am not important. To anyone. Well, maybe about three people who truly love me and want to know about what I like and don't like, but besides that, people in general could care less. Why waste their time? And I realized that I've picked up alot of habits from my friends/lover. I said "I concur" today when Pang was talking about how tired she was, which I picked up from Nathan. I work alot of things into my language that I pick up from Leah, Janie, Kevin...and when my thought process comes into the picture there's Tim's signature all over it. We are all made of pieces of other people, only some of us have smaller pieces and it leaves more room for expansion.

So far, I have only found one person who I want all my collective pieces to be like.

And guess what?

They aren't human.

Can you guess?

Yep.

God.

And I'm through with apologizing to other people for something that means everything to me. I take every word from his mouth as truth. And even though I fail him miserably every day I draw breath, he is still there to forgive me and make another piece of me more like him.

What more can a human ask for than absolute peace?

This is what he offers.

This is my thinking at 11 at night after five hours of sleep.

Implosion Explosion

Today I'm exploding
Into purple, orange, green
yellow and pink
red and blue
Burning up the bad things
That plague me through the day
Exploding out and touching
All my thoughts of you
Today I'm expanding
To fill all the spaces
That should have been filled
a long time ago
Pushing out grief
And welcoming love
expanding so you can come closer.

Today I'm exploding.

The only reason I didn't save more than that was because Jamie ate off me...wait...

HAhahahahahhaHAhahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I FREAKING LOVE GOD!!!

I FREAKING LOVE TIM!!!

I FREAKING LOVE LIFE!!!!

HAhahahahahaHAHAhahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

May 10, 2005

Taco Bell makes me feel sluggish

Doese Vilev Erend?

Decode it and send it to my email (xoutwithabangx@gmail.com) and you'll get something...I haven't decided what yet. If you give me an answer I'll give you a buck.

Today was not the best...

I really miss Tim :(

May 09, 2005

I want...that...bungee cord...

I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!!

Autumn in December is absofreakinlutely awesome baby!!! YEAH FIZZLE!!!

I actually saw a guy who looked like Tim, and it just sent shockwaves of love flow right through me, and I needed that today :)

Jim: Armpits stink.
Me: Bwahahahaha!!! *collapse*

I LOVE ICEPICKS!
I LOVE THE SUN!
I LOVE GRASS!!

Uh no girl, this is the road sign, do you know what that means? It means...I'm a freakin lunatic!!

I like water. Alot. It's good. And yummy.

hehehe... :)

May 08, 2005

I...LOVE...CANDY!

Hehehehe...

t.v.: "Feel the hate growing within you..."
me: Haha, it sounds like he's pregnant!

t.v: "Even now it takes control of your mind..."
me: HAHAHA!!! You have a booger in your mind!!

This is what happens when I come within twenty miles of my love and I can't just turn the car and drive to him, I have to stay on my course. Gragh!!!

May 07, 2005

Drama = life fulla suprises

I have discovered...I AM A FLIPPIN DRAMA QUEEN!!

now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

May 05, 2005

I can't breathe

Jealousy
Ripping holes right through my heart
Tell me that your life won't start
Until you see my face again
Let me know that I still mean something too...

Heart breaking
Telling my sins to the night
Hit me, do I have the right
To ask for something more from you?

Burning pain
Running through my veins again
I found out that you've been in
Her sweet company once more

And I sleep
Knowing that your love still keeps
You awake at night...
It's killing me
I can't watch my misery
Is seeing you still in her grasp
And knowing I can't take it back
All I want is to believe
In you our love and destiny
But I can't see this happening
With you so far away...
I want to see the day again!

just show me the light of day again.

I''m not so bright of a star today...my fire died when the chill of winter came on.

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
(It was only a kiss!)

Now I'm falling asleep (only escaping)
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag (share your sickness)
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head (psyching out again)

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me! (can't you see you're killing me?!?!?)
And taking control
Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me...
Open up my eager eyes...
I'm Mr. Brightside!

I think I'm sliding back into
my state again...
will nothing ever be ok?
I've been having dreams about an ex
it really scares me that memory won't forget,
can I make it through just one more test?
Because I've been doing this so much
just another repeat performance
goddamn resounding in the back of my head
as I try to pray I fly farther away
and why can I not concentrate?
Why can't I just keep going?
Why is everything drawn in waves?
I let them carry me away.
Its all that's left for me to do,
without the healing that you bring,
left with one more song I sing
into the crowd but all I get
is curtsies and bows
and how can life go on like this?
Does anyone hear me screaming love now?
Or is my voice still silenced by your suffocating doubt?


I hate rap.

May 03, 2005

Forever and never amen

Guys disappoint me.

I think I spelled that wrong...

Oh well.

I wish Tim would listen to me...
I wish Daniel would leave me alone...
I wish Nathan wasn't so insensitive...
I wish Tim were here...

And my finger hurts like a mother.

May 02, 2005

one starving day

So...

I reformatted my computer and now its all black-white-red and MCR BABY!!!!!!!

WHAGAHHAGHAGAHGAAOOOO!!!!! YEAH!!!

My God Gerard is sexy.

But not as sexy as my baby ;)

Well, lova trova my father is so odd.

I want to go to warp tour soooo freakin bad! Gah! Its insane!!!

I LOVE IT!!!!

Well, tata for now babaes.